True Love or Placebo?

A Portrait of Love
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Defining True Love
For a race that boasts of cell phones and voyages to the moon, when it comes to matters of the heart, human beings in practice are relatively clueless. Regardless of the gazillion songs, novels, and discussions written on this topic, one of the reasons why people just can't seem to get their acts together when it comes to love is that many approach the issue too subjectively, entangled in complex layers of fuzzy, haphazard notions about love, without any fundamental guiding principles. Most people would agree that love is very personal and its depth and authenticity is largely gaged by the intensity of emotions. But emotion alone, especially when it leaks from a broken faucet rather than overflowing from a sturdy well, is unreliable. Love is more than just a feeling, which is capricious and unpredictable. At its core, love is a way of thinking, an attitude, a belief system that determines how a person views and treats others and oneself.

Authentic or Counterfeit?
Love in its truest form is beautiful, empowering and satisfying. But people are often imprisoned by love rather than set free by it. Actually, let me rephrase that: people are often imprisoned by counterfeit love rather than released by true love. People often cling to counterfeit forms of love for lack of knowledge on what healthy love looks, feels, and behaves like. That is why parasitic, co-dependent, and abusive relationships exist. But the truth is simple: healthy love is built on truth and toxic love is built on deception.

One way to start unveiling love's mystery is to build on the basic principle that "love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6). Love rejoices with the truth that every person is entitled to safety, nurture, and decency. When these requirements for basic human dignity are unmet or threatened enough times, a person's reverence for life is prone to diminish. When life no longer holds any sacred value, there is a foothold for all kinds of recklessness, destruction, and violence to manifest.

Love 101: The Sanctity of Life
At the very foundation of love is the sanctity of life. It is the belief that each human being, including oneself is a sacred and fragile entity, that ought to be handled with reverence and care because life's breath comes from God (Job 12:10), who has made man and woman in his own image (Genesis 1:27). Not only does God delight in his creation, he deeply cares for what he has created (Psalm 145:17), and desires to have an intimate relationship with his children (Isaiah 66:13).Therefore, to dishonor one's fellow human or oneself is to dishonor the image of God and to counteract the workings of his love for humanity.

What does true love look and act like?
The Ten Commandments are a set of moral laws of which the first four teach people how to love God. The remaining six teach people how to love one another. But the commandments aren't to be taken as mere rules to be followed for the sake of law keeping. That's just being a robot, which is not God's intended outcome. The Ten Commandments must be approached with an attitude that says, "God has given us a means to understand what healthy love does and doesn't look like." The Ten Commandments not only show us true love's code of motives and behavior, they assume that complete love exists in reverence for both the Creator and his creation.

Evidence of Love
So where do patience, kindness, humilty, goodwill, forgiveness, generosity and thoughtfulness come in? These are the virtues that authenticate love. If there is no semblence of these things in a person's heart or behavior, chances are, their well of love is dried up. These virtues are the evidences of true love.

Love protects what is true. Love protects a person's well-being and decency but it does not accept or condone their wrongdoing. Love trusts what is true. Love leans on wisdom, not ignorance. Love hopes in what is beautiful and noble. Love seeks the best in every person and situation but it is not blind to evil. Love perseveres for what is right. Love is willing to suffer and endure for justice and honor but love does not enable or sustain deception, injustice, and dishonor.

A Portrait of Counterfeit Love
The foundation of counterfeit love is fear. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18). If fear of losing another's affections and commitment are what causes a person to endure indecent treatment, or to manipulate another, that relationship is not built on love but an insecurity that is controlled by fear. It begins with one little desperate measure and as more follow suit, the parties involved sell their dignity for what they mistaken to be love. Counterfeit love is a cloud that multiplies over a barren land, promising water but refusing to rain. It eventually causes vitality and hope to whither away.

Designed for Love
In a world where track records of marriages, family dysfunction, and trust is severely bombarded, to find love or to communicate love, is a delicate matter. Many people are simply afraid of getting hurt. There is little room to let our hearts freely breathe or breed. However, the capacity to love and be loved is built into the human condition and is the greatest mirror of God's image. It is a void that must be filled and sustained. It's time to stop kicking ourselves for feeling so desperate and needy for love and it's time to seek the true source of authentic love. Now what?

Perfect Love 101
The best place to start would be to receive from the Source of true love, God himself. God knew that within the bounds of our brokenness and sin-prone nature, humanity would be incapable of perfect love. That is why he made a visitation to earth as a fully human being, through his Son Jesus. Jesus talked and walked among people, mostly poor, marginalized, sick, and emotionally hurting. He died for the very things that cause humans to fight, hurt, and fear--the workings of death. When Jesus died at the cross, he took those very things with him to the grave. He resurrected on the third day, overcoming these things on man's behalf, conquering death itself. Why? So that all who believe Jesus came to rescue humanity, would also be able to renounce the things he brought to the grave, and be born again in Christ, through whom we have access to the resurrected life as God originally intended. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Jesus is the gift God sent, to give you a new beginning on the foundation of his eternal love.

The first step to receiving Christ's love is to receive his forgiveness for our own sins because without a clear conscience before God, we are limited in what we can receive from him. With a clear conscience, we are restored the right to stand before God, and enjoy the fullness of his love. As we grow in our relationship with our Father in Heaven, through Christ his Son, we become whole in mind, heart, and spirit. All the mess that once plagued us are purged and washed away with his cleansing, healing, living water. Now, here's a little secret. That void that makes us long for love and acceptance is a santuary that God built into our hearts so that we would search for him. No one is able to fill it to its full capacity and beyond, except Jesus. As Jesus resides in our hearts, we are restored access to God, overflowing with his love and the hope of the Paradise that awaits at the end of this journey.

God's Calling
Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

Jesus is always ready to help the hurting. He says,
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners" (Isaiah 61:1).

Prayer of Acceptance
Jesus, I bring to you my sins and ask for your forgivness for all the times I've hurt others, myself, and you. I bring to you all my brokenness and ask you to make me whole. Please fill the void of my heart with your gift of love, made possible by your death and resurrection. Please teach me your ways. Thank you that you loved me before I even knew you, and that you considered me worth dying for. I begin this new journey with you, my Lord, on a foundation of your love, today and throughout eternity. Amen.

Scriptures for Meditation
Psalm 139:13-16
Job 12:10
Genesis 1:26-28
Genesis 2:6-8
Psalm 145
Isaiah 66:13
Exodus 20:2-21
Matthew 22:36-39

by Nelly Shin

09-01-2007, 12-27-2007, 01-23-2008

Unpacking the Gift

Grace is a gift to unpack today. You don't have to wait till you're in heaven to open it. Many people settle for saving grace alone thinking it's enough to just have an assurance of salvation. But God also offers living grace. It's not enough for a Christian to throw his/her arms up in the air and utter, "Praise God I'm saved!" Is that throwing of arms in the air an act of worship as in lifting holy hands? Or is it a gesture of deep relief that Hell's flames no longer await and so one can go on business as usual the same old way? Living grace is the mercy God extends to his worshippers, to start living the new life that flows out of saving grace. So to think it's enough to be saved by grace and not live the life that grace intends, is like passing customs at the airport but failing to step into the plane of one's destination. Why walk to Miami from Vancouver when grace is a prepaid, direct non-stop flight?

Sometimes, people choose to follow their old habits rather than seek new paths of grace. Sometimes grace isn't packaged according to one's anticipation. A person may ask for chocolate cake but grace gives him an algae shake (ugh). A person may pray for her mean supervisor to be transferred to another department but grace keeps the boss there for five more years. You may be disappointed, shocked, or even defiant toward what grace offers. But faith means to trust the Gift Giver's heart, that his gifts are always good and that he knows what's best for all time...because he cares.

Grace is not ultimately a gift that keeps us happy in the status quo of this world. Grace is a gift that keeps moving us Heavenward. Grace is the answer to every prayer, even in silence. Grace is what shields us from traumatic shock when our I.V. cords are being tugged away from the world's supply of temporal sustenance. Grace is what helps our hands reach the upper shelves of Heaven's storehouse. Grace is what comforts us when we are being weened from milk and given a fork to eat solid food. Grace is the passport we carry to remember we are citizens of Heaven, and ambassadors of the Most High God.

Grace is the reserved table we have at the greatest wedding banquet ever with an open bar at the Fountain of Life. There'd be so many nice people to talk to. Well, we'd have all the time in the world to talk to every person at the party, again and again. But the first thing I'd want to do is go straight to the throne and put a face to that mysterious Person who is the incarnation of grace--the One who is the greatest gift in heaven and on earth. Because of grace, I'd be able to gaze into the eyes of my Champion at last, the one who died for me and say, "Here I am my Lord, to worship you face to face."

by Nelly Shin

01-16-08

When Forgiveness is the Last Thing on Your Mind

"Why should I forgive you?”

“You don't deserve to be forgiven!"

These are harsh words that may escape the mouth of someone who has been hurt. Many people have a false notion that by withholding forgiveness from someone, they are inducing punishment on the culprit. So they hold their breath and hang on to their anger until every fiber of their skin trembles with rage and their once beautiful heart becomes a poisoned well. The truth is, unforgiveness punishes the one who has been wronged.

Psychologists would observe that criminals are often victims of unjust events in the past and have allowed unresolved anger to snowball into violence. Many people jump from partner to partner with unresolved resentment carrying over from one to the next. Their bitterness perpetuates the cycle of never ending dissatisfaction. Sometimes people think unforgiveness gives them the upper hand in a relationship as if hatred would avenge them. It only consumes the unforgiving party. I too have stubbornly held grudges until I saw the toll it had on my health. Unforgiveness is like a child who puts his hand on a hot stove and keeps it there. The hand is guaranteed to get burned.

If you ever find yourself whispering, "Why should I forgive you?" Then my whisper back to you would be, "Because you deserve to free yourself from this deadly trap called anger.”

If you ever find yourself uttering, "You don't deserve to be forgiven." Then I would remind you that you've been hurt enough already. Don't let it bring more damage.

To withhold forgiveness is to permit the offending party to perpetuate their negative power even after the offense. It gives leeway for the offense to corner the offended into a cesspool of anger, bitterness, rage and violence. Where's the justice in that? To forgive from the heart may be difficult at first but the process of forgiveness can certainly begin by acknowledging in the mind, that harboring unforgiveness only prolongs the agony.

To forgive really is a matter of self-preservation. If an offense can be likened to a snakebite, then the bite is merely an entry point, a puncture in the skin to gain access to the bloodstream. Anger is the venom behind the bite that tries to make its way to a person's heart. The venom paralyzes the heart and eventually kills. One survival tactic is to wound the bitten area, suck out the venom, and spit it out. Facing a situation and looking for the will to forgive may be a painful process in itself. However, it is a necessary pain for healing to proceed. Without some form of resolution, the heart grows dark, miserable and callous. Responding to an offense by realizing, "Aha, the snake has bitten! I refuse to let the venom flow!" may be one way of taking on the life saving attitude of forgiveness.

Anger must be spat out. Forgiveness is the serum. It is a constructive, "I'm taking control of this situation” rather than a de-powering, “I’ve been victimized" attitude. Whatever length of time it takes, forgiveness is a cure to prevent a cancerous growth that can destroy one’s emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical wellness. We can blame those who hurt us as much as we want, but we are responsible to pick up our own lives and move on. No one tells an assailant, "I feel bad about the childhood you suffered. You don't deserve to be sentenced. Go along and continue your crimes. You have the right to be angry. That bully who beat you up ought to be locked up instead." Perhaps that's how we sometimes feel in the midst of injustice. But this kind of thinking is a sure sign of a paralyzed heart. The responsibility to move on is ours alone. That means dusting off the shoulders, facing the issue, seeking help where needed, forgiving the one who hurt us and moving on.

It is often told that one who doesn't forgive remains a captive. Forgiveness is the key that opens the prison door. So what do you do when forgiveness seems to be the last thing on your mind?

When forgiving someone seems impossible to do, it is time to approach the world expert on that very topic.

At one point in my life, I had to do just that. I had no peace because I was so angry with someone who had betrayed my trust. In July of 1996, I started attending a church to learn more about Jesus because I recalled that he died to forgive the sins of the world. Jesus had to be an expert on the matter. Every week, I heard the same message. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Jesus obediently suffered and died a shameful death so that God could forgive our sins (Isaiah 53). The penalty for sin is death (Romans 6:23) but forgiveness from God results in eternal life. Eternal life is an unmerited gift called grace, something that cannot be earned by human effort (Ephesians 2:8-9). And "if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" (Romans 10:9).

Jesus held the answer. Grace. My own heart was convicted. I too had nailed Jesus to the cross. Before I could accuse anyone else of being a sinner, I had to be forgiven for my own sins first. It was a Sunday afternoon in August that summer when I knelt in the living room of my home and committed my life to Jesus. I have been walking with Jesus everyday ever since. The thought of calling Almighty God my Father is an overwhelming privilege. I still have to pinch myself to think that I have a relationship with God because of Jesus Christ.

Because of grace, I received the gift of eternal life and the chance to start life all over, with a new heart. Now I needed to extend God's grace to others, whether or not I thought they deserved it. When I asked God to help me forgive this person who betrayed me, he gave me the peace, the will, and the courage to do just that. This set me on an ongoing journey of practicing forgiveness whenever someone hurt or disappointed me, including myself.

If you ask the question again, "Why should I forgive you," perhaps Jesus himself might whisper in your ear, "Because I have died for such a time as this." Perhaps that whisper will take you on a pilgrimage to the cross, where an innocent man cried out on your behalf and my behalf, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

by Nelly Shin

Posted 11-03-2007